


Ob ich dich liebe, weiß ich nicht

by dara3008



Series: Idiots In Love [1]
Category: Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff, Getting Together, Goethe - Freeform, Honestly just fluff, Love Poems, M/M, Ryan being Ryan, Tumblr, also Ryan being in denial, also maybe crack, unconventional pushes towards happiness and realisation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-10 23:21:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16464281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dara3008/pseuds/dara3008
Summary: Sometimes all it takes to find happiness is a very specific and weird push.A fan of cute edits on tumblr, Steven sometimes browses the tumblr hashtag 'Standrew'. A certain edit catches his eye though and makes him realise some things about himself. Ryan tries to prevent a nervous breakdown and is semi successful.





	Ob ich dich liebe, weiß ich nicht

**Author's Note:**

> There's this whole controversy of shipping real life people and while I do frown upon people who shove their fantasies and headcanons in the actors/public figures faces, I don't see anything wrong with simply having those fantasies and headcanons.
> 
> Write what you want, draw what you want and as long as you're not obnoxious to the people in question, I think its all good.
> 
> \--
> 
> Anyway bla bla, on with the fluff!
> 
> EDIT: Ending slightly adjusted for the Shyan sequel, nothing major tho

Steven Lim was freaking out.

And it was entirely his own goddamn fault.

He just had to go on tumblr and look for the hashtag ‘Standrew’, hadn’t he? People had warned him! Well... Ryan had warned him, because apparently the internet was full of perverts and when he had looked for ‘Unsolved’ once he had found a lot of... other certain stuff. And if he had been blushing like _he_ was the virgin and not Steven, well then Steven wasn’t one to judge.

Nah, he totally judged. He had judged, had dismissed him and had looked up the hashtag like a goddamn moron. Not even ‘Worth It’, no he just went right ahead and searched for ‘Standrew’.

Why, you might ask? Well, it hadn’t been some morbid curiosity, no matter what Ryan had implied. Honestly, Steven just liked all the cute and pretty edits people made. And the gif sets of funny or awesome moments in their episodes. He liked looking at himself and Andrew and their chemistry in front of the camera... That sounded weird. Too much like freaking po-, well no, not going there.

Anyway! It wasn’t anything scandalous that freaked him out. When he had squeaked behind his laptop, Ryan had craned his neck to see what dirty stuff tumblr had thrown at him. But when he turned the monitor around he squinted. “What the fuck, dude, what’s so bad about this?”

And that was just it. Literally nothing was bad about it. It was a pretty soft pastel edit of them just standing in one of the many kitchens they had filmed in, grinning at each other. What was standing out though was the text accompanying it. It was a language Steven hadn’t immediately recognized, but after looking at it for a while he had been pretty sure it was German. Some kind of poem, maybe?

So naturally, Steven had typed it into Google Translate and that had been the downfall.

 _If I love you, I don’t know._  
If I look once upon your face,  
look into your eyes just once,  
my heart will be freed of all agony.  
Only God knows how well I feel!  
If I love you, I don’t know.

He didn’t even know why the stupid poem had shaken him like this. It was just a stupid romantic poem by a dead German poet. It meant nothing. Nothing at all.

And yet, as Ryan was looking at him expectedly, Steven silently pulled up the translation again and bit his lip. “If I love you, I don’t know.” He had been staring at the poem and edit for about 5 minutes before he had emitted the squeak that had alerted Ryan. He almost knew the stupid thing by heart already. “If I love you, I don’t know.”

Ryan blinked at him and then back at the poem translation. “Steven, are you...” He stopped himself, a contemplative look on his face. “Steven-“

“I don’t know.” And Steven was still freaking out. “I don’t know, Ryan, I have literally never thought about it, holy shit.”

“Buddy... It’s okay, like, it’s not that bad.” Ryan tried to reason, but Steven.was.freaking.out!

He stared and stared and stared at the poem, his heart hammering in his chest. “I’ve never... I’ve never thought about it.” He drove a hasty hand through his hair and looked at Ryan, who was watching him with a worried expression. “Ryan, this poem is literally me!” He suddenly yelled, wincing when he heard how loud he was in the cubicle area. “I don’t... I’ve never thought about him like this before. But I... I’ve never thought about any guy like this before. What if-“ Jesus, he was talking himself into a panic here. It was just... The possibility was... Holy fuck, how was he so blind? “I _do_ feel so much more happiness when I’m with him! I feel like I can do anything! Like I can accomplish so much when he is at my side. He makes me feel so warm, Ryan, when I make him smile I literally feel my heart sore, I-“

“Jesus, boy, tone it down!” Half laughing nervously, half looking around to see who was listening in, Ryan pressed a hand against Steven’s mouth. “Do you want everyone to hear your new revelation?” Thanks to some small miracle not a lot of people were in the room anyway.

“If I love you, I don’t know.” Steven groaned into his hands. “Only God knows how well I feel.”

“Steven?”

“Christ!”

Ryan laughed helplessly as Steven lurched out of his chair to look at Andrew, who now stood blinking at them in the door. He honestly wasn’t quite sure what the fuck had just happened. “Hey, Andrew?” He quickly threw a hand around the blond’s shoulder, pulling him away. “Can you just quickly help me with something?” Throwing a last look at Steven, who looked utterly lost, Ryan ushered Andrew away towards his own desk, pulling a little more forcibly when he felt the other’s resistance.

He had a feeling Steven needed a moment.

\---

“If I love you, I don’t know. If I look once upon your face, look into your eyes just once, my heart will be freed of all agony. Only God knows how well I feel! If I love you, I don’t know. If I love you, I don’t know. If I look once upon your face, look-”

“You’re into poetry now?”

“ _Christ_!” Steven didn’t quite fall out of his chair this time, but it was a near thing.

Andrew chuckled under his breath, eyebrows raised. “Again with this new title, not sure I like it very much.”

“Sorry!” Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Steven looked at his wrist watch. Fuck, Ryan had given him half an hour and he had spent all the time muttering under his breath like a mad man. “Sorry, I...”

“Seriously, what’s going on?” Andrew’s voice had gone soft and worried and Steven just really couldn’t deal with this right now, he couldn’t- “Is this about the tumblr thing?”

Dread pulled into Steven’s veins. This was it, wasn’t it? He’d blown it. Years of friendship, destroyed by a stupid curiosity, destroyed by a freak out, destroyed by his own blindness. “I can explain.”

Andrew huffed out a laugh and buried his hands in his pockets. “Relax, Steven, it’s nothing bad.”

“Isn’t it?” His heart was beating like crazy again, but so far he could see no hostility in his best friend, and he prayed that it stayed like this.

Andrew shuffled a little. He _did_ look a little uncomfortable. “So you freaked out because of some fan art, Ryan’s constantly doing that.” He shrugged, but averted his eyes from Steven as well. “No big d-“

“That’s not it.” And suddenly, Steven was tired. Because maybe, just maybe if Steven hadn’t thought about it before today, Andrew hadn’t either. Maybe Andrew might just feel the same. Whatever that was. Oh, he knew what it was, who was he kidding?

Andrew frowned and his jaw tightened a little. “Okay. Well Ryan said something about tumblr. So what-“

“I did see something. But it’s not the same as Ryan’s weekly freak outs.” Then again, now that he was thinking about it, it might be exactly the same. Interesting. He might not be the only blind one. “I might have-“

“You don’t have to say anything, Steven.” Steven blinked as Andrew interrupted him, the breath leaving his lungs.

“What?”

“You don’t have to say anything, I...” Andrew kept looking down, shoulders tense. “I don’t know if I want to hear it.”

A weird silence came over them, with Andrew avoiding his eyes at all cost and looking ready to bolt. Like he wanted to run away... from Steven.

“Oh.” Steven felt his heart sink and even to his own ears his voice sounded faint and broken. “You don’t feel the same.”

“Wait-“

“Of course.” He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, not at all, but his brain had stopped working normally right about when he had read the stupid translation of the stupid poem. _He_ was so stupid. Just because Steven suddenly realised some deeper feelings, obviously it didn’t mean that Andrew did, too. “I’m sor-“

“Steven wait, what do you mean?” Andrew was looking at him now, but Steven wasn’t quite sure he could meet his gaze without... crying. God, he felt dizzy. “What do you mean, _I_ don’t feel the same?”

He squeezed his eyes shut, shoulders slumping. “You told me not to tell you.”

“Well, I’m obviously an idiot, who’s jumping to conclusions, so...” Andrew let the words fade into a nervous high laugh and Steven raised his eyes.

Bracing himself, he squared his shoulders. “Okay then Andrew Ilnyckyj, no jumping to conclusions possible here.” He looked Andrew straight in the eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ve realised something.” Taking a deep breath, he took a tiny step forward. “I’m in love with you.”

Andrew deflated completely in front of him, eyes going impossibly wide. “Oh.”

Steven’s hands tightened. “Oh?”

“I mean, fuck! Me, too! I mean... in love with you, too. Uhm.” They stared at each other, both not quite sure what to do or say. That is until Andrew let out a little laugh and took a few determined steps closer. “Jesus, Steven, can I please kiss you?”

And Steven could only nod, arms falling down to his sides.

So Andrew kissed him. And then he kissed him again. And again.

And he was still kissing him when Ryan returned. “Woah! Okay then, we get it, you’re happily together now.”

Steven laughed, tugging his head into Andrew’s neck, because he could. Jesus he could! “Don’t worry, Ryan. You will get there.” He snickered.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” Ryan squeaked, a slow look of realization creeping up on his face. "What the fu-", but Steven only waved him away and tugged Andrew close.

“Not now, you’re ruining the moment.”

\---

Later, a lot later, when they were tugged together on Andrew’s couch, Andrew finally asked what exactly Steven found on tumblr that triggered this whole breakdown. When Steven finally told him, he honestly worried that Andrew would die from laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly just saw the poem by Goethe in a class a few days ago and immidiately thought of Standrew for some reason. Just the concept of them being in love with each other, but not realising it because they might have never thought about men that way.
> 
> Also this might get a side story with Shyan, because my Ryan is cleary in denial about something here...
> 
> Also also, the translation used is not the translation you would get with Google Translate. That one was crap, and since I'm German anyway it was better to translate it myself :D


End file.
